THE RELATIONSHIP: 5 WAYS TO KEEP IT OR DESTROY IT
how to keeP it Or destroy it?
The Relationship Story
With Alaine’s perfect score on The List, I was certain in entering a relationship with him. We started strong with promises, thinking we could bring The Relationship to the next level of lifetime commitment.
He’s a sweet guy with lots of potential. We’re opposites. I’m goal-oriented and I make sure things happen from A to Z. He’s more into taking risks without having 1, 2, 3 steps. I’m more organized, and he’s more into a mess in accomplishing things. I’m more on, ‘we need to prepare this before going’, and he’s more into, ‘let’s go’!
Good old days ~ full of laughter and care! The best parts were the nature walks, the food trip, the sharing, and the growing together spiritually.
Then came the roller coaster ride of our relationship, which was normal, but it was a lot harder. The “It’s better to obey than sacrifice” The Leader and “I told you so” were like a broken record that I had to endure, especially when we started compromising.
When Promises Turn to Compromises
Being in a relationship is beautiful, but it’s like a double-edged sword. If we’re not ready for it, and not guided by our parents or mentors, we may cross the line. And, I think anyone who’s been in a relationship that crosses the line, knows what may happen next. You know it!
Even with the purity commitment that I made a long time ago, the temptation that both Alaine and I faced was immense, our commitment to stay pure dwindled.
It’s just a kiss. It’s just a touch. Trying to justify things.
Warnings, hesitations, and fear crept in, but with the sin that we slowly allowed to sip through our being, it led us far to a point of playing with fire until consumed. It was sad. Full of guilt and regret.
As I considered 2009 a big downfall, God had it as my redemption by providing a way out – I got my work visa that same year. It’s a great timing for us to have a breather, to step back and to restore things. It was God’s provision before things get out of hand. God’s word is true.
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out, so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:13
But when things seemed to have a fresh start, the relationship crumbled.
The Unexpected Breakup
I was appalled. I had never thought Alaine could just throw the relationship away with betrayal. I hope he could have given me a hint, a time for me to at least doubt and ask questions, so when things broke apart, I should have been ready. But things don’t work that way right? I froze. I shut down. And that’s the end of a 5-year relationship.
Couples usually have their own love song, wedding song, anniversary song, etc. Well for me, the song that stuck when it happened was one of West Life songs, ‘I should have seen it coming, I should have seen the sign…’ (Haha)
Trust me, there’s a big difference between having an inkling and having no idea at all. The inkling can be at least a buffer before truth comes out, especially if it’s bad news. The ‘no idea at all’ is like being a total fool. Unless it’s a delightful surprise. But it was not.
I cried and cried. It’s good I was thousand miles away from home, it gave me focus to get my self-confidence back, and all the more I excelled at work.
When I went home during one of the holidays, I was more than ready to meet him. We talked, and we put everything to a formal closure face to face. After that I never looked back again, and just kept the wonderful memories I had with him.
The Guys After Alaine
I met some interesting guys. Encountering them gave incredible lessons, which I think most of the single ladies could relate to. The 7 Captivating Guys a Christian Single Lady Meets
Happy Single Life
My being single (up to now) is a choice, and not because I’m still holding on to my past. The moment I let go, it was all. But of course, hurts and regrets took some time to be healed.
The moment you let go of a relationship or of a person, the next important thing you have to deal with is yourself, either you grow more or be bitter.
I chose to grow more.
I moved on with a happy single life with family, friends, work, fashion, reading, writing, and traveling. My faith stronger than ever committing my heart to God.
I met amazing people and immerse myself in different cultures. It was fun. Year after year got busy here and there. I was more into my career. But in my 30s, my relationship status became a concern. To be single or to get married?
When you’re getting older and still single, expect all the comments in the world that your singleness is such a crime. Sometimes, they’re coming from people you’re not close with. They’re ready to tell you what you ought to do with your life and even think you’re a sad, sad soul. And if you tell them, you’re a happy single, they don’t believe it. So they have to fix you… to get married asap.
How come you’re not yet married? You’re a weakling! I thought this statement is for men afraid to court a woman. Mind you, I got this comment from a guy I just met who asked me a couple of questions and had his conclusion outright.
If you don’t get married now, all the guys will be gone soon. Bad news to all single ladies! Survival of the fittest, then.
You’ll remain single if you’re very choosy! I respond with, “Yes, I am!” It’s tiring defending oneself. So a nod or a “yes” would suffice.
The longer you are single, the longer list of comments you’ll receive. Don’t give in, Be Focused. If you know your purpose, commitments and what actions to take then no one can pressure you to do what they expect you to be. Live your life, girl!
A Beautiful Masterpiece
Rereading my 2009 journal brings a big grin on my face (more of a proud face). I made it through that tough time.
Sharing one of my “poems”, sort of. Some words rhyme, others out of place, but gives a good reflection of The Relationship.
So that’s the end of The Relationship story… not extraordinary, no fireworks, no super dramatic events but I hope you’ve learned something from it. Try checking on related posts, The List and The Leader to have the complete story.
Just broke up?
Breakup hurts, but it’s not the end. It just means that you will soon have a new beginning. Besides, you’re beautiful! Never think otherwise just because of a failed relationship. Say “next”! I’m kidding. Bring it to God in prayer. He cares about your love life. Read on Genesis 24: A Boring Love Story But Worth It. It has 10 important things to consider.
There might be a time of waiting. Sometimes it’s a long wait (mine is). But keep trusting. He got you!
Value every moment of your singleness. Allow God to work through it and turn it into a beautiful masterpiece.
in a relationship?
♥ Because I care much, here are 5 Ways for you to keep (or destroy) your relationship. There are many other reasons why relationships thrive or fail, and I want to point out one thing: sexual lust that shatters many relationships and marriages. The 5 Ways focus more on boyfriend-girlfriend relationship but some points may also apply to marriage.
5 ways to keep or destroy a relationship
Sexual Lust: The Sugar-coated Sin
Be careful with lust. Don’t play around it. Don’t even start it.
I hope I can tell you, ‘It’s okay, it’s just a kiss, it’s just a touch, you’ll be fine’. But that’s a big lie from Satan.
#1 To keep a relationship: Protect each other.
To destroy a relationship: Allow lust to enter/Allow lust to cause infidelity.
We are to protect each other. Being in a relationship doesn’t give us a privilege to do the very thing married people do. We consider kissing and touching as foreplay. Don’t start something if you know it’s not for you to finish it.
WARNING: When lust enters a relationship, it will keep coming back. It’s either you destroy it or it destroys you.
#2 To keep a relationship: Have a commitment to stay pure before marriage.
To destroy a relationship: Have no commitment at all and do whatever you want. Pleasure now.
Movies tell you purity is outdated. How many movies have you seen that sleeping together is just normal and they live happily ever after? A lot. People tell you you’re missing half of your life, that everybody’s doing it. Society tells you you’re boring and doomed to become an old lady with a cat and piano playing weird music. Poor you!
They’re ALL LIES! Be careful on what you believe in for Satan is actively prowling telling lies. He’s the “father of lies” after all. (John 8:44)
Staying pure before marriage is your greatest gift to yourself and to your future partner. It is your act of obedience to God in not soiling the marriage bed. That’s the BIG TRUTH! It will save you from heartaches and regrets. Have a purity commitment.
have commitment vs no commitment
The 4 Stages of Having a Commitment
Stage 1: If committed to purity, you’re not exempted from compromises.
Stage 2: If you compromised, the commitment will remind you to stop.
Stage 3: If you didn’t stop, the commitment will keep bothering you.
Stage 4: If bothered, good! There’s a big chance to make things right.
The 3 Stages of Having No Commitment at All
Stage 1: If not committed to purity, it will be easy for you to compromise.
Stage 2: If you compromised, no commitment to remind you to stop.
Stage 3: If you didn’t stop, there’s a big chance to have an unwanted pregnancy, STD, forced marriage, broken dreams, stress, depression, disappointments from parents, etc.
So when people tell you how corny or killjoy your purity commitment is, make a stand and commit all the more. Maybe you can share the difference between having one and not having at all.
#3 To keep a relationship: Acknowledge that God can restore what’s broken.
To destroy a relationship: Keep compromising!
If you’re into sin right now, confess everything to God and ask for forgiveness and healing. He’s waiting for you. It will not be easy. It will be a struggle between following Him and following your desires. But with a determination to obey Him, a breakthrough will happen.
God says, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
If your current relationship is into compromises, restore it and recommit to each other before it’s too late. Do your best to make God the center of everything.
If your past relationship/s led you to compromise, it’s not an excuse to compromise again thinking, “Anyway, I lost my purity before, it doesn’t make a difference”. My friend, it does make a difference! We can’t change the past, but we can change the now for a better future. So your new relationship is an opportunity to start things right, regardless of your past or his past.
Oh, come on, I’m already in my 40s, do I still need to consider purity? Absolutely! Make a commitment of purity before marriage regardless of your age or his age.
#4 To keep a relationship: Choose wisdom always.
To destroy a relationship: Be wise in your own eyes.
Many testimonies talk about God turning brokenness to something beautiful. But I hope it will not be a “ticket” to do whatever we want, thinking – “Whatever I do now, God will turn this into something beautiful, so chill!” Yes, God will do that, because that’s how God is. But are you willing to endure all the pain to make that brokenness whole again?
Obedience is far better than sacrifice. Remember that when we delve into sin, consequences differ. Some may get a second chance, a third one, but what if you’ve got only one chance?
What if with all the warnings along the way, still you chose sin, and the result was devastating? Would you still think about having it as firsthand experience? It’s better to learn from others’ mistakes. It’s a lot wiser!
May Proverbs 3 be our guide.
My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity.
Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.[a]
Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil.
This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. Proverbs 3: 1-8
√ And for you, trying to learn from others, from their mistakes (from my mistakes), you’re making an excellent investment of your time. I hope that you will continue to use others’ experiences as a mirror, a reflection to do what is right. Choose wisdom always, and well-being will follow you for the rest of your days.
#5 To keep a relationship: Draw closer to God each day.
To destroy a relationship: Take God out of the equation.
The weapon against sin, against our lust, is to have a genuine walk with God. Draw closer to Him each day because temptations linger 24 hours a day. You’re not exempted from it.
Being close with God strengthens you to keep a good fight and run with perseverance.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2